The Silence of Grief ( Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

 

Frederick Elwell’s work, The Wedding Dress (1911). 

The previous painting was created 10 years after the Victorian era officially ended. Yet in many ways, Victorian society did not simply disappear with the end of Queen Victoria's reign. After 40 years living under a monarch who was deeply associated with mourning, propriety, and traditions, many Victorian customs remained deeply rooted in British society long afterward.

 The Queen was an important and the most influential public figure of her time; royal life had long been observed the public and chronicled. Monarchs often became cultural compasses, influencing everything from fashion and etiquette to social behavior and, in Victoria’s case, mourning.  Her public mourning reinforced the idea of how a widow should dress, behave, and publicly express or contain her grief.. This is why many customs associated with the Victorian era survived beyond the period itself and eventually became traditions.

Read more about Victorian customs: Here

GRIEF

ELIZABETH BARRETT BROWNING 

 I tell you, hopeless grief is passionless; 

 That only men incredulous of despair, 

 Half-taught in anguish, through the midnight air 

 Beat upward to God’s throne in loud access 

 Of shrieking and reproach. Full desertness, 

 In souls as countries, lieth silent-bare 

 Under the blanching, vertical eye-glare 

 Of the absolute heavens. 

Deep-hearted man, express Grief for thy dead in silence like to death 

— Most like a monumental statue set 

 In everlasting watch and moveless woe 

 Till itself crumble to the dust beneath. 

 Touch it; the marble eyelids are not wet: 

 If it could weep, it could arise and go.

A young woman wearing a veil and black clothing mourning at a tombstone, with her dog attending on he by C. Hancock, 1836.

What does grief look like when it has nothing left to say?

Psychology has developed multiple models, and modern grief research generally does not consider grief a fixed sequence that everyone passes through. The American Psychological Association explicitly says there is no “normal” timeline and that people should not expect to pass through grief in progressive stages.

The famous 5 stages by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Denial — “This can't be happening.”

Anger — “Why is this happening?”

Bargaining — “If only…” / “Please, God, if you could just…”

Depression — confronting the reality and pain of the loss.

Acceptance — beginning to acknowledge and live with the reality.

They were developed by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and published in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. Importantly, however, Kübler-Ross originally developed the model from interviews with terminally ill patients, describing their responses to their own impending death. It was subsequently applied much more broadly to bereavement and other losses.

And this is crucial: they were never meant to be a universal five-step recipe for grieving. The APA describes the model as nonlinear: stages can overlap, recur, or occur in a different order. 

Mauvaise Foi: Sartre, Freedom, Fear & the Courage to Start Over

"Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does." -Jean-Paul Sartre

 

Making mistakes is also part of the journey. Every decision, even those that seem like mistakes, teaches us something about who we are and where we want to go. Starting over is never truly starting from scratch; we carry with us what we have learned, the scars we have collected, and the experiences that brought us to where we are.

In the end, we all have a choice: to live a life designed around the expectations of others, or to build one that genuinely reflects who we are.

So, do we stay where we are or do we dare to start again?

I'm not talking about mediocrity, but about the comfort that comes from fear. This “comfort” isn't always conscious. Sometimes it simply feels like security, familiarity, or the certainty of knowing what comes next.

The fear of moving

-The false security of staying where one no longer grows.

I firmly believe that staying where one no longer belongs is a phase, which can become dangerous and endless.

Most of us probably go through this phase; for some it lasts a few weeks, maybe months, but it becomes dangerous when it stretches into years.

Many people live in what I now think of as a state of existential passivity. I used to describe it simply as "living without awareness," but philosophy and psychology offer more precise language for this condition.

Philosophical and Psychological Concepts

1. Bad faith (Jean-Paul Sartre): The existentialist philosopher used this term to describe the act of self-deception to escape freedom. The person pretends they have no options ("I have no choice," "I must do this") to avoid the anguish and responsibility of choosing their own path. A psychological state that can develop after repeated experiences of powerlessness. Eventually, the person believes that nothing they do will make a difference, so they stop trying ... even when change becomes possible.
2. External locus of control: Psychologists such as Julian Rotter define this as the belief that external forces (luck, fate, society, or family) determine everything that happens, thereby eliminating the notion of personal agency.
3. The impersonal "Self" (Martin Heidegger): Heidegger described inauthentic existence as living under the dictates of "what is said" or "what is done." The person doesn't choose for themselves but lets the masses choose for them.

All these definitions have something in common: the self-deception or self-convincing that we have no control over anything. Once our mind "awakens," it wants to change, and we realize that we do have some control; we want to start over.

The phases of becoming responsible and aware of our lives

Now, this is the hardest part, but keep reading. We used to live deceived, but now we're awake. Now the challenges and doubts begin, and many voices in our minds will try to make us stop taking responsibility for our choices.These are the phases you will go through: 

1. Conformity

You want to change your mind, your life, your world. It all sounds very broad, very difficult, and you don't know where to start. After mentally torturing yourself, you tell yourself it's easier to leave things as they are. What's good about changing? Why did you even think about it? Then the same thing happens, but in reverse: your mind awakens to new possibilities and starts asking yourself why you can't live a different life.

2. Authenticity

You've lived for many years the way you are: you dress a certain way, you speak a certain way, you have certain friends, you go to certain places, etc.

When you decide to start over, you realize you've changed, sometimes drastically, sometimes only in certain aspects, and that to live differently, many things have changed or will change because it's the natural evolution of everything. It isn't about becoming someone else. It's about becoming a more complete version of yourself.

Once this starts happening, you might feel like a fraud. You think differently, you want to talk about different things and look different; you begin to doubt whether the change truly reflects who you are or if you're just disguising yourself as someone else.

Conversely, other people return to their original form, and this has the opposite effect; they feel stronger. It feels like an archaeologist uncovering a forgotten civilization. Piece by piece, what was buried begins to explain who we really are.

3. Failure

This phase comes after you've overcome the doubt about your new or renewed self. Why do you feel like you've failed? Because, as is natural for human beings, we want every change and result to be immediately apparent. When the change in your life doesn't happen, you feel like you've failed. Of course, this isn't the case. It takes time and work on yourself. The change is primarily in the mind.

4. Comparing Yourself to Others

Another hurdle in the process of your rebirth. Before, you didn't notice people who were more successful, happier, or healthier than you, but once your eyes are open, your mind creates an unnecessary comparison, and you can sabotage yourself.

5. The Perfect Moment

This is the part where we waste time; we are waiting for "the perfect moment" to start changing, but that perfect moment may or may not arrive if we let life take charge; we are the ones who decide when the perfect moment is to start, ready or not.

Mauvaise Foi -Bad Faith  (Jean-Paul Sartre)

What is "Bad Faith" 

According to Sartre, humans are condemned by their freedom. Why? Because we are forced to make choices every day of our lives, which means we are responsible for our lives. Let's face it, when we think about it, that level of responsibility can cause anyone to get anxious or sick. 

So what do we do to survive, to soften the blow of the realization?  We lie.

According to Sartre, we lie to ourselves. We pretend we are not 100% responsible for our actions; we are not responsible for the path our life has taken; we pretend we don't have options. To give you some examples:

1. That's the way I am ( my favorite one): Of course you can change, maybe not immediately or completely; you just don't want to) but you are avoiding the harder question:

"What if I could change?"

2. I can't leave him because I love him.: AKA Love removes my freedom. Love is real. Attachment is real. Leaving can be extraordinarily difficult. But Sartre would argue that even in those circumstances, we are still making a choice. Love influences us; it does not erase our freedom.

3. I don't have time for anything: I am not on my priority list; everyone else is, or I'm choosing to spend my time on other priorities.

Jean-Paul Sartre illustrates Mauvaise Foi with these examples

The Café Waiter

Sartre describes watching a waiter whose movements are a little too precise, a little too eager, a little too mechanical. The waiter is playing a role: he is turning himself into a "waiter-object." He acts as though his entire identity and essence are defined by his job description. He pretends that "waiter" is just a social role he chooses to perform, not what he inherently is.

The main point: People often confuse our job title, social role, or public persona with who we actually are. If we become mothers/fathers, we think we have to change; if we have a different social position, we don't socialize with others as we used to. We begin confusing the roles we play with who we actually are. 

The First Date

Sartre describes a woman on a date. Her companion takes her hand. She knows this signals a romantic move, but she doesn't want to make a choice (either to accept it or reject it). She leaves her hand in his and pretends not to notice, talking deeply about intellectual matters. She treats her hand as a passive piece of physical matter, a mere object, to avoid deciding what she wants.

The Takeaway: Passive indecision/ Refusing to decide is still a decision, a choice to deny your own agency. You are pretending you don't have power. You pretend you are helpless to this "opportunity in front of you." It happened; now you have to let it run its course. 

How does this affect us today?

• Social Media: Social media encourages us to become the authors, editors, marketers, and actors of our own identities. We carefully select photos, captions, opinions, and even personalities depending on the platform. LinkedIn asks for one version of us, Instagram another, TikTok another. None of these identities are necessarily false, but they can become performances we mistake for our authentic selves.
  
• Professional burnout: Staying in a miserable career because "it's the only option" is a classic example of hiding from our scary, real choices. We stay because telling ourselves "I have no choice" feels less frightening than admitting we do have one.
• Algorithm Culture: Recommendation algorithms don't make our decisions for us, but they can tempt us to outsource them. The more we let trends, influencers, and recommendation systems tell us what to watch, wear, believe, or pursue, the easier it becomes to avoid asking ourselves what we actually want.

Sure, we have been conditioned and grew up in an environment where people actually believe we don't have choices, we can't be responsible for our lives, but we are now conscious of it. We need to understand that we make everyday choices; sure, they are not easy, pretty, or comfortable, but who wouldn't like to be in control of their destiny?  Recognizing Mauvaise Foi in yourself isn't meant to cause guilt; it's an invitation to take the wheel back. The next time you catch yourself saying "I have to," try swapping it for "I am choosing to."

But as Sartre reminds us: The script is never finished, and you're the one holding the pen.

Sartre wasn't arguing that we control everything. We don't choose where we're born, our past, our genetics, or every circumstance we face. He called these realities our facticity. What we do choose is how we respond to them. Freedom doesn't mean unlimited possibilities; it means responsibility within the possibilities we actually have.

The Courage to Begin Again: When Comfort Isn't Peace

"I prefer to hold on to the good things, to what makes me happy and gives me peace. It may not always be something tangible, but I know it exists."

(...) When all we want is to stay in the same place, without drawing attention to ourselves and without taking risks, comfort always welcomes us with open arms. Perhaps we'll never be the best, but we can always give our best.

And maybe that's what growing up is about: understanding that starting over doesn't mean having failed, but rather having the courage to choose a different path. Every new beginning forces us to leave behind a version of ourselves that no longer represents us. It's scary, yes, but it's also the only way to discover how far we're capable of going. Original text here

So, do we continue as we are or do we start again?

This was the title of a post I wrote more than ten years ago, along with the reflection I had at the time. While I was somewhat aware of this topic, I didn't fully understand it until many years later, unfortunately for me. I, too, fell into my comfort zone, into the space between traditional parenting before the internet and the world after it. It always felt like I had to choose one side or the other, which caused me to stagnate in many ways a war between moving forward and what I thought was comfort, but part of that became immobility.

Comfort doesn't always bring peace; sometimes it just keeps us immobile, trapped in a place where we stop growing. Fear convinces us that it's better not to try, that it's safer not to stand out, that it's preferable to settle rather than risk failing. However, the greatest risk can be staying where you no longer belong.

Why does this happen?

Anxiety relief: Making your own decisions and using free will generates uncertainty. Following the social script is predictable and safe.

Cultural validation: Meeting family and social expectations guarantees acceptance and avoids rejection or isolation.

Lack of introspection: Daily routines and constant stimulation act like anesthetics, preventing people from stopping to think, "Is this really what I want?"Living this way reduces immediate conflict, but in the long run, it often transforms into a midlife crisis, existential emptiness, or deep, chronic dissatisfaction.

The fear of being judged when we decide to change: Change will be noticeable in every aspect, and many people may not be prepared to be questioned or judged about the change in their appearance, their way of doing things, speaking, thinking, and their overall life change.

In my case, I entered and exited this cycle of repetition at different times in my life and for different reasons. Perhaps I believed I wasn't in the right place, perhaps things didn't turn out as I imagined, or perhaps I simply wanted to avoid disappointment at an unconscious level. As I said, one can easily confuse comfort with peace.

What is the difference between being comfortable and being at peace?

At first glance, they seem the same, but the difference is significant. It is said that:

Comfort is a form or state of self-protection: it arises from familiarity and certainty. The danger of comfort is when we remain in that state out of apathy and fear, not out of a conscious choice to recharge our energy. It doesn't challenge you, it doesn't expose you to failure, nor does it force you to confront your doubts. Comfort seeks to avoid discomfort. In the long run, comfort without growth can turn into apathy, a feeling that "something is missing."

Peace is a state of wholeness: it arises from inner alignment and purpose; it requires that what you are doing or experiencing aligns with your values ​​and with who you truly are. Peace embraces uncertainty; it expands you. It gives you clarity, renewed energy, and even when the process of change requires physical or mental effort, peace does not emotionally exhaust you.

*Fulfillment (the state of well-being, balance, and deep satisfaction we experience when we feel complete. It doesn't imply the absence of problems, but rather a sense of inner peace and harmony.)

Mediocrity and Averageness

Mediocrity is defined as:

• The state of being average when the capacity or potential to be better exists.
• An attitude toward life characterized by a lack of aspiration.
• A mental comfort zone where a person settles for "just getting by."
• It is the conscious renunciation of your own potential due to fear, laziness, or resignation.

Being average is defined as:

• Not standing out, nor being the best or the worst in most aspects.
• Leading a lifestyle that coincides with the vast majority of the population in your context.
• Being satisfied with "enough" instead of always wanting "more." or being seen. 

It is peace, sobriety, or voluntary simplicity.

The importance of making mistakes to discover who you are.

When you learn something new, you often make mistakes, and from those mistakes, you learn to do the right thing. This happens to us throughout our lives because we are always growing and learning. If we want to know what will work for our new life, outside the bubble of comfort and dissatisfaction we feel, we have no choice but to try what does and what doesn't.

I can't immediately think of what I did as mistakes. I believe that everything I went through was an experience, and without those experiences, I wouldn't have learned what I wanted and didn't want. Other people will see their experiences as genuine mistakes, but they will arrive at the same conclusion.

The Invisible Cost of Not Making Decisions.

Not making decisions and letting yourself be carried away by day-to-day life, living on autopilot, without anything new that can change your day, comes at a cost. It leads to extreme comfort and also to forced mediocrity, and without realizing it, you're trapped in a lifestyle you didn't plan, and many years of your life have passed and will continue to pass in that same state.

What can you learn from this?

Think about the person you were ten years ago. What advice would you give her/him today with everything you've learned? Now do the same exercise with the person you were five years ago.

Why two versions of yourself? Because the person from ten years ago can remind you of dreams, interests, and plans you've forgotten over time, and which may still be part of who you are.

The person from five years ago, on the other hand, is close enough to help you identify the decisions, fears, or habits that led you to your current situation. It will help you investigate where you strayed from the path.

It's not about living in the past or blaming yourself for your decisions. Think of it like cleaning your room: you throw away what's useless or doesn't mean anything to you; Then you rescue and find a new place for what you value. Reclaim what makes sense to you and use the experience you have today. This will help us discover which part of our past self still represents us.

Starting over doesn't always mean becoming someone else; sometimes it means rediscovering an authentic part of yourself that you had left behind.

The Moon:"The light that shines over all lands."🌙

 

I often wonder how many secrets the moon has already heard whispered into the night. How many stolen kisses, silent goodbyes, desperate prayers, and promises meant to last forever have risen towards her pale light? How many secret encounters has she witnessed? And how many forgotten creatures has she watched emerge from the darkness before disappearing again with the dawn?

No matter where we wander, she follows without judgement, illuminating forgotten roads, abandoned cemeteries, lonely rooftops, and restless souls. She reminds us that even in our most solitary moments, we are never truly alone. Someone or something has always been watching. Perhaps that is why the moon has become one of the oldest symbols in folklore. She has inspired lovers, poets, witches, and monsters alike. Under her glow, ordinary people have imagined impossible things, and legends have been born, out of fear, out of hope. 

      Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night, May become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms And the autumn moon is bright.
-   Maria Ouspenskaya's  ("The Wolf Man" 1941)

The oldest Moon myth

Around 2100 BC, the Sumerians wrote myths explaining why the Moon waxes and wanes.

They believed Nanna sailed across the night sky every evening before disappearing into the underworld during the new moon. This is one of humanity's oldest recorded explanations for the Moon's phases.

🌙 Wear the Moon with you.

This is an ancient Moon passage that comes from a Sumerian hymn:

"Father Nanna, whose radiance fills the heavens, whose light covers the land."

Someone wrote those words over 4,000 years ago, and every night we are looking at the same Moon they were.

This is the oldest surviving photograph of the Moon,

It was captured on March 26, 1840, by American scientist and NYU professor John William Draper. He used the early daguerreotype process with a 5-inch reflecting telescope on a New York City rooftop, capturing the lunar image with a 20-minute exposure.

Before Draper’s success, French inventor Louis Daguerre (the pioneer of photography) reportedly attempted to capture the Moon on January 2, 1839. However, his attempt was blurry, and his entire laboratory burned down a few months later, destroying all of his original images. This left Draper's 1840 daguerreotype as the oldest one left in existence. Sorce: HERE

🌙 Inspired by the Moon? View this t-shirt on Amazon.

Last night I met the Moon because she, too, seemed lonely. I stayed with her for a while, and we spoke in silence. She told me she had seen you.She refused to tell me where you were.

Instead, she smiled and whispered that you were searching for me beneath the very same sky. That somewhere, under the same ancient Moon, you were looking upward, hoping the stars would answer the questions we have been asking for decades.

Pale ✝ Angel 

I

The Choice to Settle

.

Throughout my life I had a few existential crises, the first one being about 11- 12, an overwhelming realization on my back patio. A thought came over me; what’s the point of life? What will happen when my parents die? What am I supposed to do with my life? It was the first time in my life I questioned if my path was predestined, or was I the architect of my own future?

By 15, I experienced a profound emotional low or depression. I felt a disconnect from the superficiality around me, realizing that many social bonds were built on appearance rather than character. It felt like a loss of innocence. I realized that people were appreciated for what they looked like and for what you could gain from their “ friendship” .Fortunately, my final years of high school brought enduring friendships, yet that "shadow" occasionally returned, leading me to question my place in this reality.

Image Credit: "mother holding her belly" by Sie7e Fotos. Licensing available via 500px.

As the years went by and moments in the black hole made me think a lot and notice how many people around me settle for many things in life and this is why everyone looked happy and fulfilled with their life . Women have to settle for many things and fast, for example, getting married to have a family and get pregnant, society always reminds us that the clock is ticking. 

We are often told to "never settle," but is that advice realistic? Choosing to settle can be a conscious trade-off for stability, mental health, or simplicity. This post examines the fine line between finding true contentment and simply stopping the pursuit, offering a fresh perspective on what it means to choose "enough" over "everything."

Today, I still face the temptation to choose the "standard" life. While I still live in the same town, and follow a routine like everyone else, I try to do it my way, with a purpose. I strive to act with intention. I refuse to simply "drift" through existence ( better now that never). If you must go with the flow for a time, don't fear it, just use that time to find the stream that truly belongs to you. People like us, always find a way. 

What have you settled for in life? What remains non-negotiable for you?

I’ve fallen in love with a man on the run.

 

Devil's Backbone" by The Civil Wars

 

Oh Lord, Oh Lord, what have I done?

I've fallen in love with a man on the run

Oh Lord, Oh Lord, I'm begging you please

Don't take that sinner from me

Oh don't take that sinner from me

Oh Lord, Oh Lord, what do I do?

I've fallen for someone who's nothing like you

He's raised on the edge of the devil's backbone

Oh I just wanna take him home

Oh I just wanna take him home

Ooooooooooo

Ooooooooooo

Oh Lord, Oh Lord, he's somewhere between

A hangman's knot, and three mouths to feed

There wasn't a wrong or a right he could choose

He did what he had to do

Oh he did what he had to do

Ooooooooooo

Ooooooooooo

Give me the burden, give me the blame

I'll shoulder the load, and I'll swallow the shame

Give me the burden, give me the blame

How many, how many Hail Marys is it gonna take?

Don't care if he's guilty, don't care if he's not

He's good and he's bad and he's all that I've got

Oh Lord, Oh Lord, I'm begging you please

Don't take that sinner from me

Oh don't take that sinner from me

Life takes you to strange places

What can I say?

First my adsense account was disabled ... I never understood why? There were some suspicious web addresses and that was it! It was a nice idea to get that kind of support for working...yes, working on my blog but...oh well, I love posting things that are on my mind, I really can live without adsense. Thank God.

Google you will regret it when I become rich and famous ! (lol)

After that bummer, I traveled, met people and did some soul searching.  I got a job, which involved computers, internet and talking to strangers, it was ok. Now I am on my own doing independent stuff. I really am not the kind of girl who you can keep lock inside an office ... I have wings! I can't deny it.

I Missed you !

Goth Problems

• Melting in the sunlight
• Summer
• Having no money in October
• When you run out of black makeup
• When your blacks don’t match
• People calling you emo
• When people assume you’re a satanist
• When your favorite band isn’t available on iTunes

I'm dead and I'm here ! Headstones: Why Cemeteries Are the Last Witnesses of Our Existence

The headstone/gravestone marks the place where a grave or tomb is placed. They are traditionally used by most religious people and they became part of the funerary tradition and business. The gravestone is the way a family honors the deceased by putting this eternal memorial on“the last place to rest”. This is a tradition that I think we should keep alive.

Just think about it, from here to a hundred years, future generations will probably find our destroyed coffins, our bodies… bones and wonder if we were male or female?, who we were?, when did we died? and more. Part of the objective of the gravestones is not only for ID purposes (so the family can visit the body without forgetting the place) but because the human being has a fear to be forgotten. For most of us, documentation and a gravestone will be the only proof for the next generation that we existed once upon a time.

Most of the world’s population won’t enjoy a massive popularity, not even in their hometown but we will have a family that will remember and have us present in every important milestone in their life but if we are truly lucky, there will be someone who will want to know more about us even after we are gone.

When people started to make headstone, they started out by making them from simple materials and simple designs with symbolisms. From pieces of stone to carved wood, we manage to level up this important cemetery piece. In the old, old days when body snatching was fashionable; families even built cages on top of the graves.

Headstones nowadays are made from different materials: Fieldstones, Granite, Marble and Slate.  In the beginning all tombs had a stone lid, if the coffin was completely made of stone or not, this stone lid was placed over the grave. Stones were used to mark where a body was buried; they were placed around the grave and just marked with a name or initials (that's sad).

One important element on a headstone is the identification of the deceased person, the day of birth and death, a prayer or specials words by the family, a photo and finally a place to put flowers. Most people decides to put a little fence or something to surround the grave this way other cemetery visitors won’t step on a person’s last resting place.

Having a gravestone was and still is a symbol of wealth, the bigger the better. Some people used to buy expensive material and used designs that become traditional but were very symbolic, like skulls, birds, angels, flowers, praying hands, crosses, etc. The headstone evolved into pieces of art. Big or small, the sculptures that some graves have are beautiful and incredible. If you take a walk on a graveyard you will see sculptures of angels, Saints, hands, books, beds, Greek columns and more.

Photos by: www.7fotos.blogspot.com

Sadly, there are more and more people going for cremation “Today, nearly all of the deceased receive some sort of burial or cremation even if it is paid for by the state. The cost of land and the current overcrowding in cemeteries, along with changes in perception, have made people consider cremation.  Cremations are less expensive than the cost of caskets and plots.” -247wallst . 

 I say sadly because XXI century people are opposite to the way The Victorians were during the 1800’s (Click to read more) ; people now hate death, they don’t want to talk about it, it’s scary and a morbid issue that shouldn’t be a topic of conversation…at all! So with that mindset, the sooner a body goes underground and if people don’t have to deal with a corpse THE BETTER! Cremation means that families won’t have to set a foot on a graveyard and that means that there will be one less proof of a person existing or worst; the neglect of cemeteries. Let’s face it, yes…we will have photos, facebook profiles and documents but none of them will truly express the love of a mourning family for the decease the way a headstone does. It will have a direct effect on people's way to see death; probably it will make people colder. Where our feelings will go if we cannot mourn in a place made for that?